A Year Of Dance

Since I just closed out my second year of ATS, I thought I'd go ahead and do one of these!  This might be a good exercise for me, in reflecting and looking back on other dances.


1. What did you do in the past year that you had never done before?

So many things!!  I went to my first Tribal Revolution (and performed in it!), I was invited to join Cassia, the student troupe of Eastern Fire Belly Dance, I started sword classes, I started spinning... OMG so much!

2. Did you keep your belly dance new year resolution, and will you have one this year?

I didn't have a resolution for this past year.  But for Year 3 K.D. (Katrina Dancing), my resolution is to master the sword and begin to get ready for ATS General Skills.

3. Did you introduce anyone to belly dance?

I'm still working on my life partner to get him into drumming.

4. What travels did you take, and did you involve belly dance with them?

I didn't end up traveling at all. I don't have any travels lined up next year, but I hope to bring dance with me wherever I go.

5. What would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?

Money!  My job situation wasn't very stable in Year 2 K.D., but hopefully that's evened out some. I hope to have enough to not have to choose between the water bill and dance in Year 3!

6. Which date from the past year will remain etched in your memory and why?

June 25.  That was Cassia's debut on the stage of Tribal Revolution.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Definitely dancing at Tribal Rev.

8. What was your biggest failure?

Being laid off twice in the span of six months.  Ouch.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, fortunately.

10. What was the best thing you bought or made for dance?

MY SWORD.  I'm still coming up with a name for her.

11. What did you get really excited about?

Sword, spinning, Tribal Rev!

12. What did you wish you'd done more of?

I wish I'd been able to take more classes at Tribal Rev and networked with my other dancers more.

13. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Lamenting my circumstances.

14. What seemed to get in the way of dance?

The cash flow issue, definitely.

15. What was your favorite music from this year?

We reclaimed Radha at one of our Belly Dance Wednesdays, and now I jam to it.

16. What did you do on your birthday?

Not a super happy birthday, and it didn't involve dance.

17. What would have made your year immeasurable more satisfying?

I really can't imagine anything. It's been a pretty good year dancewise.

18. How would you describe your belly dance style in the past year?

Strictly come ATS.

19. What were the major influences on your belly dance in the past year?

The fantastic Grace, of course, and Cassia. In my first class with them I just felt like I belonged, we have such great chemistry.

20. Best thing about being a dancer in the past year?

Getting to dance with my Cassia family. Ride or die!

Two Year Danciversary!

Two years.

Two years ago, if you told me that I'd be A) showing my midriff in public, B) dancing for them C) without jitters and D) loving every minute of it, I'd quietly call the police to have you held in a mental facility on a 5150.

That just wasn't me. I was the chick whose ass was firmly planted in her chair at weddings during Dancing Time. I was the girl who'd go to the club and "hold the table". I was the woman that called herself "too Jewish to dance". I was the girl that rolled her eyes at that "I Hope You Dance" song. Okay, that last bit, I still do. Tooooo schmaltzy.

What changed in me, two years ago?

I have met several amazing women that belly dance for fun, for fitness, for performing, for work... Gorgeous women with bright spirits and calm confidence in their bodies. So, one day I decided, what the hell, give it a shot, if I hate it, we need never speak of this again.

So I signed up for what I call "those three awkward Egyptian cabaret lessons".

This is not an ATS dancer hating on Egyptian, by any means. I think Egyptian cabaret is a gorgeous style, suitable for so many bodies and moods and dance stories.  I'm not even hating on the studio or the teacher... the studio is doing a lot of work to elevate belly dance as an art form, and the teacher clearly loved her dance and her work.  It just didn't mesh well with me, and that was what made things awkward.

It was a lot of stuff thrown into a small period of time, a choreography, veil work, the basic moves, and a warmup and cooldown. Throw in a featureless dance room (big long room with dance floors and mirrors) and both instructors using mics, and my crappy hearing just couldn't catch everything.  There was a lot of sound bouncing around the room, which made it hard for me to understand, and mics make it hard to lipread. So there's poor me, with no idea what is going on in class, and I just didn't end up enjoying myself. 

But I still wanted to learn.

So, I searched out other classes when that session was over, and found Eastern Fire. I liked Grace and her teaching style, which was much slower and broke things down a lot more, and the mechanics of the studio made it easy to understand her. So, I figured I'd keep going.

About nine months after that, I had my dance debut. About nine months after THAT, I was asked to join Cassia, and then we were selected to perform at Tribal Revolution.

There were so many points along the way that I couldn't believe I passed... I thought I'd never be able to master the taxim, or the dreaded 3/4 shimmy, or the body wave. I thought I'd never be able to zill and would have to fake it. I thought I'd never perform, and I'd certainly never bare my midriff in public. I thought I'd never be a member of the student troupe, and I didn't even imagine being a part of the larger dance community.  I was just too uncoordinated, fat, pasty, ugly, and weird to want to share this.

What the hell was I thinking? I'm beautiful.

Cassia, here I come!

About a week ago, I mentioned to the fabulous Grace that I was interested in joining Cassia somewhere down the line (which is the dance troupe of Eastern Fire Belly Dance), and if she could recommend additional homework I could do pursuant to evolving more as a dancer.

I expected some links or video recommendations.

I ended up being invited to officially join.

And I haven't stopped queening out since.

I should be a little more nervous, since Grace is hoping to score a spot at Tribal Revolution, performing in front of professionals and super big super huge serious belly dancers. I have only been dancing for a year and a half... I should be a lot more scared, especially since so many of these girls have been dancing together for so long. But... I have been welcomed with open arms into their ranks, and I am going to honor the gift they gave me.

What Is Old Is New Again

It's funny to think that just six months ago, my class (myself firmly included) was all freaked out about our debut.

We planned and plotted, marked out exactly what we wanted to do, and we succeeded. Nobody passed out, dropped a zill, ran away, or quit. But we did pretty much know what all we were going to do to get from Point A to Point B to Point C to the point where we could leave. And it worked... we put on what I think is a solid performance (even though I fell off my heels and you can toooootally see it in the video.)

We're set to dance again, in about four weeks, and there has been none of this planning happening. Grace worked out a cool pass for trio, and we're going to do that, but beyond... it's basically "Okay, so the goal is to get X and Y to happen so Z can follow and then done. "Whatever, Grace, throw on Bay City Shimmy and we'll make it happen."

I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. And I'm not even worried about it.  We also have another dancer-only hafla coming up in a week, which will be fine too, because it's just a bunch of other ATS dancers getting together and doing a bunch of improv until our shimmies fall out. I'm even less concerned about that (more antsy because I have some jewelry pieces that were supposed to have arrived this week), because as long as I am a minimum level of socially acceptable, it will be fine. I just have to be nice to my other dancers and lead like a boss and follow like a soldier and it will be fine.

The reason I bring this up is because there are dancers in classes behind us that are making their debut! That is so very exciting and lovely... I volunteered to lead for them in case my other dance sisters couldn't make it to Belly Dance Wednesdays, because having gone through it myself, I know exactly how it feels when you're about to put something you've nurtured and worked at and prepared on display, for everyone to see and judge and LOOK AT. Staggering. Nerve-wracking. Exhilarating. Exciting.

Did I mention I'm also a high anxiety person?

But between the performances, and the practices, and just getting more comfortable in my own skin, suddenly I feel that anxiety beginning to slip. I'm not there to be dramatic, I'm there to help the baby dancers get up to toddler, and to grow myself to a child dancer. Belly dance is making me fearless.

All Tribes Wednesdays! (With an aside on performance anxiety)

Now that summer is over, my awesome teacher Grace has reinstituted Belly Dance Wednesdays at one of the bellydancers' new favorite haunts, Coop's Den. We didn't have a specific performance to start with, but I was determined to at least dance in the chorus and back up the other dancers.

For those not in the know, All Tribes is how my teacher has defined an ATS performance as it was originally intended, pure improv, dancers with the same vocabulary getting together and rocking it folkloric style.  All of the ATS dancers in the area are invited, and anyone can go up during that set to join formation and groove. So there were plenty of dancers I'd never danced with before, and plenty of dancers I hadn't even met.

Of course, at one point the floor clears and nobody goes up, so one of my dance sisters from EFBD heads up there.  In ATS, one of the strong principles is that a dancer is never alone. We have to have our dance sisters' backs. So, in the spirit of participating, I headed up to take the floor with her, because we're always there for each other.

I have to be honest, I was not intending on even dancing that night, and it still happened. Oy vey. But, I was all gussied up, hair done, skirt on, makeup working, and I had a feeling later that if I hadn't danced, I would have regretted it, and I don't want any regrets when it comes to dancing.  But let me tell you... I WAS SO NERVOUS I THOUGHT I'D PEE MY PANTALOONS.

As I headed up into formation, I felt my knees begin to tremble, and my elbows got all wibbly, and I'm sure I looked like I was going to be shot.  And then I realized how funny it was, that I was looking fine as hell in my fancy jewels and freshly colored hair, my new favorite lipstick on, and a look of sheer glazed terror on my face. And then it came to my turn to lead and I went, "oh fuck."

So I went with about eight eight-counts of easy as fuck stuff (Arabic, Arabic Hip Twist, Arabic Hip Twist With Flourish, Egyptian, Egyptian Half-turn/Full-turn combo) and got the hell out of leadership just in time for the song to end.  We hit Level 3 not too long ago, but I'm still getting over my anxiety about performing where people I'm not used to can see.

There are a lot of anxieties I'm working through, through dance and through life in general. I'm kind of a brash, out-there weirdo in real life, and I work in retail management, so I'm totally comfortable just waltzing up to strangers and striking up a conversation. But in a performance context, my fight-or-flight kicks in majorly, and I get really freaked out and shaky. They say that a fear of public speaking/performance anxiety/etc. is at its base a fear of rejection from the community, and that rings true for me... I really crave reassurance afterwards (most of the time, this is directed entirely at my life partner and sous chef), and even if I have eight amazing classes in a row where I feel like I'm getting things and I'm told how awesome I did at X move, I still feel like I know nothing and I'm going to embarrass myself with my lack of coordination.

For example, I can Turkish Shimmy Quarter Turn Fade like a BOSS. I cue it all the time in class, I follow it either way with no problem, I can get out of it, it's amazing and wondrous and TSQTF and I are BFFs. I talk to TSQTF on the phone on my way to work, we get our nails done together... I love it.  But the second that people that I'm not used to dancing with are looking at me, I completely forget about TSQTF. My BFF disappears from my mind and I just... cannot.

However, although I was metaphorically shitting the bed with nervousness, I take Wednesday night as a huge win. There was a time, believe it or not, that I wouldn't have gone out at all. "Oh, no, it's cool, I'm fine just hanging around in my full costume and not doing anything. You go out there. Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi. My foot hurts so I can't dance." I was exhilarated with the fact that, though I may not have danced as beautifully as some, I did dance. Fear takes time to work through, and perhaps a little piece of it was shaken off with my shimmy.

T-minus Two Weeks and Counting.

I'm starting to get a little nervous about the even that I'm dancing in. Granted, it's only two and a half minutes, and I'm only leading for a minute fifteen, approximately, and the rest of the time, I'll be in the chorus and doing some backup-dancing for the rest of the performance, AND we get to close the show, so at least it's not "LOL FIRST".

I know, it's not a big deal, and I've invited a bunch of people for support. Though I haven't performed in front of an audience since my senior year of high school, I've put myself out there artistically. I've gotten paintings in shows, and I've published two novels.

Perhaps it's because dance is an active medium.  No art is created until the dancers move, and the audience is watching a piece of art being created, from inception to completion. The dancers are vulnerable, open, and in the moment. Whereas, the process of creating something visual or textual is largely hidden, and the audience is presented with the final result.

I guess I'm just mentally masturbating for a bit, to get past the fact that I am FUCKING EXCITED AND TERRIFIED.  Excitified?  Tercited? Something. I don't know.

Eight months ago, I could not dance. I could not fathom dancing in front of people, showing my stomach, being vulnerable in front of a crowd, opening myself for judgment. I did not want to perform. I did not want to show my belly in class. I didn't get the Egyptian, my hips wouldn't shimmy or taksim (because of tight hip flexors and plantar fasciitis, which got diagnosed after I started dancing), my body waves and Arabics looked dumb. I could pivot bump, because I have hips, but that was the only move I could reasonably do, but not for too long, because my left leg did not like having all the weight on it.

Now... I may not be an expert dancer (it's only been eight months!), but I have a pair of pantaloons that are my go-to comfy pants for around the house. I'm the proud owner of one choli, a coin bra, another set of pantaloons, two turkish vests, a panel skirt, and two 25 yard skirts, a pair of Sorayan Nefertiti Zills, my dance shoes, and Rokedet, the One Belt. Not to mention the hair flowers, accessories, and jewelry I've been repurposing from my collection. I do my body waves in the car at stoplights, I shimmy at work and at the grocery store, I practice arm undulations while waiting for customer orders to print out... I'm a dancer. It's changed me, bit by bit, and I wonder what else I might end up challenging.

OH SHIT OH SHIT ROKEDET HAS LOOSE BEADS SHITSHITSHIT

The Path Begins (baby belly dancer)

I'm Katrina, and I dance American Tribal Style belly dance, as begun by Carolena Nericcio and FatChanceBellyDance. My home studio is Eastern Fire Belly Dance, my teacher is Grace Tucker, and I've been dancing, zilling, and enjoying almost every minute of this style for about seven months now.

I started with a little Egyptian Cabaret style belly dance, and by a little, I mean three weeks.  And by three weeks, I mean three classes. It didn't really connect with me, to be honest... the shoulder shimmy felt wrong, the head slide didn't really make any sense to me... the bit of veil work I learned was cool, but I wasn't about to be all "you ladies shake it up front, I'm gonna play with my fabric over here!" So, I decided to poke around a bit, and I figured I'd try some other classes, see what happened, and what happened was I found Grace, and EFBD, and went, "This... this is more doable."

I love the moves, I love how they look when performed properly. I love the costuming, I love the group improvisation, I love sharing the leadership of the circle, and I love the fact that we can have a frank and open conversation about bodies and frustrations and what if I can't, what if it won't, and feel heard and acknowledged, but encouraged to keep on. The three-quarter shimmy was damn hard for me. I have issues with the lower half of me (hip flexors that disagree with me, plantar fasciitis, flat feet, among other things), and it took me two or three months of drilling, of trying, of not quite being able to get there in class but sometimes starting up a shimmy at home, until I'm much more reliable. My hips aren't perfect, of course, but they're getting better all the time. Zilling was a bit scary, but as I drill at home (I use folk music to get my fingers moving, Daft Punk and the Sex Pistols when I'm feeling like a masochist, and songs from the South Park movie's soundtrack when I'm frustrated and need a laugh), I'm getting more comfortable.   I'm at the point where I'm no longer a terrified newbie (I don't think, Grace might disagree). I no longer feel like the mirror at the studio will eat me if I'm leading, and I feel comfortable enough in the vocabulary I've learned so far to tell when I think something is weird.  I'm also relatively close to a dance debut.

I'm also a lot more comfortable in my own skin, with my own body, and out in the wild as well. When I first started, I was a Non-Dancer.  Dancing would happen, and I'd be all, "Cool. I'm going to chill out over here, you guys shake your booties." Now, I found myself dancing wildly at a New Years' party, though I might have been a bit on the inebriated side. Before, I wore the baggiest effing thing I could to dance class. Now, I buy cheap crop tops so I can see what I'm doing. My belly used to be gross and flabby and undesirable... I used to have hideous backfat, and my hips were bulgy, and my ass was big. Now I know that most people get backfat in certain clothes, because that's how they sit, and they push things down. My belly can do some cool stuff, my shimmies fly even when I'm halfassing (derp!), and my ass is still big, but I'm much less likely to fall into a toilet.

I haven't conquered every bit of negative body image, of course... you couldn't pay me to put on a bikini (well, you never could. Even when I was fourteen and a tiny little thing, no dice). And I'm sorry, but I couldn't wear a traditional Egyptian Cabaret outfit either... I'm cool with a spangly bra, a sequined panel skirt and a belt, but put a bigass floofy tiered skirt under those panels, and can I get a Turkish vest so I can hide a real bra, please? Oh, and my eczema is flaring on my legs, so on go the pantaloons!  w00t!

(For reference, I'm an hourglass, big butt and plenty of boobs on broad shoulders, narrow in the waist. Buying jeans is a nightmare. Buying costumes is ridiculously easy.)

I'm nervous about a debut. I'm nervous about putting myself out there, in front of friends, family, and strangers, and maybe doing something awkward or embarrassing. (Ex. "Oh, shit, our portion is only two minutes long. I'm leading and we've been doing the taksim for, like, a minute thirty... um... you can turn the taksim, right?? RIGHT???) You live and you learn, though, as long as you have fun doing it.